Okay, I need to write this quickly, before I’m struck down by lightning.

The Catholic Review is a newspaper and website that exists. As you might imagine, it centers on topics that are of interest to Catholics. That includes stories about fighting back against abortion rights measures, and nuns dying and stuff.

What is of interest to US, here at Review Party Dot Com, is where The Catholic Review really puts that reviewing to work, on their entertainment page, where they have movie and television reviews, catered to the average, God-fearing Catholic viewer.

And folks, if that header image didn’t clue you in, these reviewers go a little First Testament with their judgements.

In fact, the majority of reviews I’ve read, for recent movies such as Bros, Halloween Ends, Hellraiser, Ticket to Paradise, and Black Adam are all rated at Mature or Unsuitable for All.

The real kicker is how these reviews all seem to end, with a sort of Do’s and Don’ts or a Goofus and Gallant section. Here’s that section for the film Honk for Jesus, Save Your Soul:

Look for: Sly satire and marital loyalty amid challenging circumstances.

Look out for: Semi-graphic married lovemaking, including an aberrant act, references to homosexuality, about a half-dozen uses of profanity, a few milder oaths, numerous rough terms and occasional crude and crass language.

So. Yeahhh. An “aberrant” act? Crude AND crass language? OATHS?

I mean, if this is the stuff you care about, head on over to CatholicReview.org. Or you can titter away about it with us sinners.

Here’s Samaritan, and just look at how convoluted it all is:

Look for: Mostly positive, albeit muddled, values, including the hope heroism can inspire.

Look out for: Generally stylized but sometimes harsh violence, a couple of profanities, several milder oaths, at least one rough term, about a dozen crude expressions and some crass talk.

Did The Bible have a glossary of crude/rough/crass talk, terms, and/or expressions?