Just look at that. That is how Joel’s review of The Count of Monte Cristo begins. It gives you a peek into his life, his style, his sense of humor. And though he does provide text in the remainder of the review, the image of the Count from Sesame Street is what I’m walking away with.

So why don’t Amazon reviews look like this?

Good question, right? But here’s another: Did you know Amazon owns Goodreads? That makes the question all the more perplexing. But the simplest answer is most often correct, and that answer is-

Goodreads is a Beast of a Different Nature

While Amazon started as a bookseller, then expanded into selling everything - and naturally allowed users to then review everything - Goodreads is book-first and review-first. That’s not to say you can’t shop, however. Amazon will kindly point you to their own sites, then offer alternative methods of obtaining your text:

But as stated, Goodreads is about the books and the reviews, and that’s why their reviewing system goes all out.

For starters, it’s the standard Five Star system, but the site does offer a bit more detail, like how many people have marked it on their “to-read list.”

And for heavy readers, the details on various editions of each book might actually be important.

Moving on, another aspect of Goodreads being ALL ABOUT BOOKS that makes it unique and useful is that it’s users are pretty hardcore, and reading one person’s reviews might lead to a mountain of book suggestions.

For example, users can create their own “book shelves” to sort books into. These can be standard genres, “books I loved, books I hated,” or anything at all of their own creation. Here’s a peek at what that looks like:

There are so many to comment on, but found-in-my-moms-garage and manly-men-and-their-man-parts seem quite interesting, and ugly-cover-great-book just sounds fun.

If you’re a heavy user, you’re likely spending time in your friends’ bookshelves, seeing what they’re reading. Our friend Joel from the beginning of this blog? He didn’t just stumble into reading The Count of Monte Cristo, nope:

Good old Donna, coming to the recommendation rescue! Sidebar - I know said I liked the shelves just above, but Joel has some zinger shelves, FOR REAL!

But, BUT, dear friend- let’s say you’re a loner who keeps the company of books and books alone! You don’t have time for real people, online or otherwise. Well worry not, you don’t have to recommend books to a specific person. Not even close!

Here are a couple of reviews for Lolita:

Each little tidbit adds flavor to the review-reading experience. Was I going to read Lolita? Probably not, but now I know to be wary of both Humbert and being viewed as a perv. Helpful hints!

But I thought we were going to hear about the reviews. Yes, okay, fine, you got me.

Amazon may let users upload video reviews, but that’s a bit personal for some people. We don’t want to show ourselves, just express ourselves. And there are few ways more powerful than through GIF (these will be static screencaps of reviews with GIFs, unfortunately).

The sadness over Odd Thomas can only be conveyed by actually showing a tear. #authorbetrayal! But does it work for other emotions? Let’s see.

Ah, This Rage of Echoes, the book bad enough to christen a Review Crusader. This makes sense.

But obviously readers being readers, not everyone is a fan of this style of review. Luckily Goodreads allows for fancy formatting and generous review lengths. Like, very generous.

That’s one review written in the obscure style of the book it’s reviewing, Italo Calvino’s If on a Winter Night a Traveler. Another guy has a review just as long, with pictures from another book (in Italian), which purportedly explains this one. It’s insane and I’m not even going to try to screenshot it.

And there are reviews even longer than this out there. Way longer. So long you’d think the reviewers want to be writer’s themselves, which they probably do. Some of them are writers. And actors, and general nerd icons:

It’s people you like! And if not, well, I’m sure they’re hanging out there somewhere.

What’s that? You’re starting to think this blog post lacks content and relies entirely on images to keep eyes here? I don’t know what you’re talking about, that doesn’t sound plausible and it doesn’t sound like anything anyone would actually complain about. On Reddit. In several threads. Over several years.

Welllll, okay, you caught me. But here’s a secret for you if you keep my secret. If you DON’T want to see GIF and image-laden reviews when you browse Goodreads, you can sort for text-only reviews. It’s simple, it’s straightforward, but it’s a lot less fun.

THIS IS THE INTERNET AFTER ALL! WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT!

Like end the blog right here and now.