Time is money, and you’ve already spent the cash. That was one choice, and now you’re faced with a second. Are you going to spend a second of your precious time writing a review? Mmmmethinks that is asking a bit too much, no?

Fear not, you have an out, and it’s one politicians use all the time, so you know it’s good.

“No comment.”

It’s a catch-all phrase that, online, you don’t even have to say at all. Because even when you don’t say anything, you’re not really saying nothing at all.

Free Love/Free Hate

Your sister Denise is finally doing something with her life, and yes, cutting hair is absolutely doing something. The cut was a little messy around the ears, and it looked like no one had swept in a while, but it was just her in there. And she’s your sister. Give her five stars. You don’t need to write anything, just tell her you did. Get your friends to write a few, too, doesn’t matter if they’ve been there or not, five stars are free in this country. Spread the stars and spread the love. Your heart feels good when you spread the love.

Oh hey, it’s the frozen custard stand your high school boyfriend worked at all those summers ago. In a time before the internet, you loved it. You loved him. Now your heart is colder than a concrete mixer with oreos and peanut butter cups. It’s 2AM, and you’re remembering; you’re still mad about him ditching you for Denise, that little sprinkle-shaking sphinx. It’s time for retribution. One star. No reason why. No reason needed. He knows. Sorry to ding that review average. But not sorry. Ask no questions and TELL NO LIES.

Apathy

Phew. Okay. Emotions are exhausting. Having to feel them every day, process them, hide them, bury them. Sometimes we just get lazy. Sometimes we get an email asking us to review the poster board we bought at Office Depot. It’s postery? And board-like? You don’t have time to describe why you bought it or how you’ll use it. No one needs to know that it’s for a Jason collage, using all those photos from high school that the Office people helped you print out. And, I mean, come on, it’s just a poster board. You don’t have strong enough emotions about a poster board to actually write anything useful in a review. You certainly don’t feel the way you feel about Jason when you think about poster board.

Sure, poster board is sturdy, and strong, and oh so thin, but…

Um. Just leave a star and be on your way. If you leave the star fast, no one will think it’s weird. But maybe he’ll see it and think it’s you. I mean, if everybody just left “no comment” reviews, and all there were was stars, maybe, just maybe, you and Jason would be looking at the same stars tonight.

At 2AM.

When you have work in the morning.

Pro tip: when you show up to work with bloodshot eyes and your coworkers nudge you, “hey, fun night last night?” Just say, “No comment.”