Hot takes, cold takes, chocolate shakes, birthday cakes

There are different flavors and different tastes, so when is the best time to write that pesky review?

Well, just breaking the word down to its constituent parts, re- and view – in other words, “again look” – the best time to write your review is once you have something to re-view. We all agree that a “Can’t wait to get this!” review helps no one, so it’s clear that we can only write our reviews once we’ve experienced the service or product.*

You write it after you’ve eaten the Texas brisket, after you’ve worn the new jacket, after you’ve been kicked out of the arcade for whistling deep cuts from Hampton and the Hamsters’ Happy Times Ten album.

But even saying “after” leaves a wide range of time, from the very moment you bite, break, or unbox, all the way to the edge of never. But let’s simplify things here and just talk about hot takes and their polar opposite, cold takes, because there are benefits to each. 

When You’re Steamed

The hot take review is written while you’re still sitting in the restaurant, waiting for your drinks, your meal, your bill, or for that layabout waiter to reemerge from the ethereal abyss. It’s written half an hour after you bust open your kid’s new Hot Wheels set, and ten minutes after that set is a hot, busted mess on the floor. It’s written when you’re frustrated, flustered, and ready to spit flames.

After all, the aggravation is deep - deeper than the heartburn that’s already setting in - and it needs an outlet. It’d be unhealthy to keep it in, so you let that volcano burst.

And now you feel alive. You don’t even notice when it happens, but somewhere, at some point as you recount the events, YOUR VOICE GETS LOUD AND INTENSE! You are AVENGING your lost TIME, MONEY, and PATIENCE, the VIRTUE of your BELOVED CHILD, AND your OWN DIGNITY!

Names and questionable metaphors spring from your fingers like angry bees from garden hoses, but in the end, you get your point across. Service was bad. People need to know. And now they do. 

You’re not looking for a freebie or an apology, no. You’re not looking to go back and give them another chance. You were looking to help your fellow reviewer. And to vent. Mainly… yeah, pretty much just to vent. But it felt good, right?

And if you scribed an opus of grievances, well, the wall of text you constructed might not attract neighbors, it actually might keep them away. And the noise from your CAPS LOCK might lead them to ignore or avoid you, to discredit your opinion. 

But that’s the burden you bear when your review is hot and heady. Cooler heads may prevail, but hot ones tell a wicked tale. 

That said, if you can put your gut-reaction on ice, you’ll serve up a dish that’s quite transformed.

When You’ve Chilled Out

Okay, okay, you’ve had a breather, now let’s reassess. The cold take review is written when you’ve had some time to reflect on your night at the museum, after you’ve washed and worn that Tweety Bird tube top a few times, and days after Christmas, when the wrapping paper finally gets cleaned up and review time begins. 

They say that hindsight is 20/20, and now that your eyes have been cleared of either rosy mists or veins of rage, you’re able to take a measured approach to your review, all the better to help your fellow shoppers. 

You feel like you know what you’re talking about by now. I mean, you’ve been to Medieval Times before and since they updated the show, you’ve bought a second set of knockoff Yeti tumblers, you’ve worn your Eddie Bauer MicroTherm jacket for two years and just ordered this season’s coolest colorway. Your words carry weight. 

Maybe the exact order of events have faded, but the key details are still there. You have pictures, you have quotes, this is not your first time around the block. So just let the review run its course. 

As you type, memories will flow through you. If you feel like indulging - like you did with Red Robin’s Mountain High Mudd Pie - then let this be a lengthy review. But it doesn’t have to be. Your hand is steady, your mind sharp. Just name drop a member of the waitstaff and you’re golden. You’re trusted. You’re valued. Everybody wants more of everybody.

And it feels good to give back, to the seller, the restaurant, to the review readers not yet born. Because your review will live on for them. And hey, stay diligent enough and you might get some honorary recognition. That just makes it all the sweeter. 

Other Types of Reviews

Now, a fast review doesn’t mean you hate the product. It could be that you love it. And a late review doesn’t mean you’ve taken the time to consider what you’re saying. 

What I’m saying is that there are other reviews that don’t sit at these far reaches of hot and cold takes. And I’m also saying that those will be a topic for another post on another day. Because… I need some time to review, ALL RIGHT?! IS THAT OKAY?! 

Good. I’ll see you then.  

*If a reviewer mentions having ordered an item in the past and can’t wait to get this new edition, new color, etcetera, a “Can’t wait to get this” review can be useful. And if an item was never delivered, a review stating such is appropriate, though it is more a review of the company selling and fulfilling the order than any item in particular.