Imagine buying a Mr. Potato Head and it didn't come with eyes, a mouth, a moustache, a hat; nothing but ears, ears, and ears. You can't return it, you lost the receipt. You can't buy another, you used up all your savings for it. You're stuck with this cruel joke of a toy, little blue plastic ears sticking out every which way. That's what we call Hell, my friends.

Today's topics include a digital exorcist, Crazy Bones, herbaceous spices and meaty meats, dick simmerin', a gaydar you can rent, corduroy pants, Nosferatu, a big ol' head, and dad jokes that induce mind decay.