Me, You, and Meme Reviews: Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears PART TWO
Welcome to the exciting second half of our MYMR look at the infamous Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears, AKA the week we discover if I subjected myself to horrendous gastrointestinal feats of strength.
If you need to catch up, please check out everything from week one here, listen to last week’s podcast episode, or okay fine, just stick here and I’ll give you the short and sweet of it.
Short, Sweet, but not Real Sugar
Candy is candy because it’s sweet, but what do you do when you can’t have sugar in your candy? You use a substitute of some sort, and in the case of these sugar free gummy bears, the substitute of choice was MALTITOL SYRUP, a sugar alcohol that is notably not sugar, but our mouths and brains can’t really tell the difference.
But our stomachs can.
While your stomach can easily break down and absorb cane sugar (sucrose), only 40% of maltitol can be absorbed, leaving the rest to ferment and make a good deal of gas. Maltitol is also an osmotic laxative, meaning it will pull water as it travels through your intestines, and YOU KNOW where your intestines go.
Gas and wetness is a bad combo, especially if you’re unaware of what you’re doing to yourself. Per Healthline, you might expect the following (again, assuming you know to expect them):
flatulence
watery stools
bowel movement frequency
borborygmus, or rumbling and gurgling noises from your intestines
That’s how we got reviews like these:
There, in the span of two reviews, you see two sides of the meme-ness. You have the horror story that grabs the eye and goes viral (thanks, Buzzfeed), then you have the reactionary, self-aware, but still here for the lulz review. And I know, these aren’t chronological, but the point still stands.
And all that’s good fun. The origin and the fallout.
But that’s not why you’re here. Nope. The reason Me, You, and Meme Reviews has a Part Two is for us at Review Party Dot Com to get that product, try it, and then write a real review, since we know how much real reviews can matter. Of course, we can’t help but have fun with a meme review of our own.
So without further ado (and since these are still pending approval on Amazon at time of writing), feast your eyes on the following, the Meme and then the Real:
Time Wasted
The past two YEARS of my life were spent trusting science to know what’s right and to know what will and won’t happen to my body, depending on what I let in it. Turns out, science is bullshit.
Science said my body would tear itself a new one trying to put these gummy bears through my system, but guess what FAUCI?! I ate a whole pack of these and I didn’t even shit myself, so who’s an expert now, HUH?
I wonder what ELSE my body would’ve been able to fight off like it fought off these little foreign candies.
Hmm, maybe all I needed was the American Spirit AND ALSO the “Holy” Spirit to keep me safe?
Look, I know a lot of people are saying they shit themselves and all that, and if so, that’s a tragedy, I guess. But you can’t believe everything you read on the internet, okay? Like, maybe it happened to one or two people, or maybe Jeff Bezos has people writing fake news scamazon reviews to hide the truth of which products are actually good, or which ones are coming from other countries (most of them, I suspect).
If no one else wants these, I’ll take yours. Don’t throw them out, it’s wasteful and dumb. Even if you don’t think you want them (and you’re one of the TWO who actually get the shits from them) then maybe just save them until you need a laxative. You never know when an elderly relative or a young child will get stopped up, and you’ll be glad you have a quick fix.
Again, not sure if that will work, because IT DID NOT WORK ON ME, but I work out like two to three times a week, so maybe it’s just me.
And ladies, if you shit yourself, you really shouldn’t be letting anyone know. Just gross. (THAT’S how I know some of these are FAKE, LOL!!)
Okay, peace
1 star
Now for the real one:
Dramatic Tension
No Exit, The Iceman Cometh, Waiting for Godot- these plays all make promises with their premises, so you settle on the edge of your seat, waiting to see what the payoff will be. But for our purposes, the best stand-in might be Alfred Hitchcock’s renowned adaptation of Rope.
A recap for those who don’t know: Two men kill a third and hide him in a chest, then host a dinner party in the same room. The body is right there, under everyone’s noses, but will the secret burst out?
So too is the promise – or warning – of the Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears.
Once ingested, the stage is set; the audience is in their seats and the anticipation builds. Having read reviews from ranting and raving to revolting and reviling, we know what to expect and we wait. We watch. We listen. What starts off slowly often ends with a bang, and the best bombshell scenes must first bubble to the surface before we take sick pleasure in their reveal of true human nature.
Breath held, concern mounting, possibilities and probabilities ping-pong around our brains until that fateful moment hits us!
*breath*
Chekov’s gun is firing blanks.
The conflict, if there was one, has passed us by, and we didn’t even notice. No Man Against Man, Man Against Nature, or even Man Against God. None. It’s just Man, breathing. Status quo, from inciting incident to denouement. Your hero (me, my guts, my butt- take your pick) did not suffer, did not grow, was not challenged or changed in the slightest, for better or for worse. Hubris was not my downfall, nor did inaction cause my demise.
But not for lack plotting or planning.
I started small, eating three bears, and noticed nothing I could attribute directly to said bears. A half day later, I faced foes twice in number, downing six more bears in one go. Still I waited, I expected, and I was unaffected. Twelve more hours having passed, I went for broke. Instead of merely doubling the numbers once more, I took out and took down all that remained in my bag, a regiment of 17 gummy gladiators.
These fierce foes failed to bring me to my knees, didn’t send me running or screaming in retreat, nor did I fall, teeth digging into the dust below me. I got gassy, some tough gas, the kind that doesn’t always want to come out right away, but I’ve had worse. And I can’t compare that to how I’d feel on a regular day eating 17 regular gummy bears, because that’s not something I regularly do.
Something I do do with regularity is make regular doodoos. And I did. There was no difference whatsoever in that arena. And for the sake of posterity (not posteriors), I will note that the flavors are satisfying, though not as sweet as the sugarful variety I compared them to, which is to be expected.
So, what are we to conclude? The packaging does state that individual effects may vary, that maltitol may have a laxative affect, but this is not guaranteed. Is it a matter of good material but a bad director?
A piece that’s good but only in the proper atmosphere?
All I can say is that they didn’t get to me. And with that, I’ll take my exit, pursued by a gummy bear.
3 stars
So there you have it. The Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears did not get to me. But hang on, what’s this? An interview with the Haribo COO from 2021? What might he have to say?
But LaBerge continued, explaining that Haribo would never make sugar-free products, either. “Too much sugar-free product can act like a laxative,” he said. (This was proven in an especially vicious Amazon review that claimed to be about Haribo Goldbears but was actually of Albanese bears.) Since Haribo is all about childlike joy, the company tries to limit excessive sugar consumption by selling gummies in smaller packets instead. (TheTakeout.com)
Have we been lied to this entire time? Did a faulty Amazon listing tarnish Haribo’s good name?
Full disclosure, the sugar free gummy bears I bought were indeed Albanese Sugar Free Gummy Bears. I have reached out to Haribo America for confirmation on what was stated in the interview, but have yet to receive a reply. Stay tuned, campers.
Hey, if this was a fun read for you, maybe it’ll be a fun listen as well. Check out episode 91 is you have a sick desire to hear the emotion in our voices as we wax poetic about hot, wet, stool. Hit Episodes at the top of the page and you’ll be clicks away.
UPDATE
Haribo responded. Unfortunately, it was a bit of a non-answer:
